Small

There is something that makes me anxious about the question: "What is your calling?." 

I heard it a lot growing up and i hear it even more at a Christian college. When it gets thrown my way i automatically tense up and end up blurting out something like "social work, because it's like tangible counseling." 

Im not even sure about what that is, really. 

I guess some people have a big, beautiful "mission", like adopted kids or Africa. 

I do not, at least not yet. 

Like i said, it is kind of unnerving when i don't have an answer to that question. I mean, am i really a loving Christian? Don't all good Christians have a perfectly clear vision of their future "ministry"? 

Im learning that while i do not have a war to fight. No specific cause to advocate. I can fight and love in the small things. 

The small actions. The small thoughts and prayers. The small words. The small, quick smiles. 

That is something i can do. 

I actually love doing it. I love to create small love for people in notes, coffee dates, gifts, cookies.  

Maybe God put a "small" love in me. 

Living and loving in the small things has made living a loving and lot less stressful. 

Blank

I don't have a lot to say...which kind of fits what i am about to say actually.

I have a really hard time being quiet. 

Or just doing nothing. 

I love music. I love talking to people. I love experiencing new things. I love creating things. 

That's why it's really hard for me to practice rest.

I love doing and making so much that i rarely do nothing. 

I don't think that's healthy..

It really is just a sad thing when i can't relax on the couch on a lazy saturday afternoon. 

I have to always feel like i'm accomplishing something. 

Studying harder, loving someone more, creating more pretty things..

Like this: One time last semester we went on a "prayer retreat" and had to find a place somewhere in the woods and just hang out with God for 5 hours. I was excited about it

...but when hour 2 rolled around i thought i was going to come unglued. 

It was awful.

I am realizing that i don't do well with Sabbath. 

However i've been trying this new thing where after i take a run i find a place where i can be still with God. That way ill be too tired to do anything else.. seems like a foolproof plan  :)

This whole silence thing has not been what i expected. 

It seems like everyone has these big revelations when they do this, but not me. 

In fact, it seems like God is more silent when i am silent. 

But i think that's ok. 

I think part of the reason God just wants us to rest is because it helps us get our mind off of everything- worries, to-do lists, goals. 

For me, it helps me especially get my mind off myself- how i look, act, dress. 

I think God is silent for me because He knows I give myself enough noise.

I think He wants me to be ok with stillness. 

With accomplishing nothing.

With impressing nobody. 

With being me...with Him. 

Play.

God showed me something on a walk the other day...

I used to think childlike faith, as it says in the Bible, is a lot like being gullible. 

I used to think it meant, "Don't ask questions, just believe like children believe in Santa Claus or fairy tales."

But that contradicts what i've learned about Christianity. 

We are supposed to test things. 

And if we believe blindly, can God be pleased with that?

Doesn't Jesus want us to have faith in the hard times?

On my walk i saw to adorable little girls playing on a slip and slide. 

They weren't slippin' n sliddin' but they were having fun talking and sippin' n spittin' the water out of the spout part. 

They were just enjoying the summer day...

Not worrying about the chemicals in the water they were drinking. 

Not discussing and arguing over the most expedient way to play.

Not thinking over how sad it was that the summer was almost over. 

...They just played. 

I'm beginning to think "childlike faith" has less to do with believing in God more to do with believing God. 

A lot of times i pray-- no, beg, for more faith so i can do "big things" (whatever those are)

for God and other people. 

I stress myself out!

I was actually walking that day to get "unstressed". 

I miss the days when i was a kid sometimes. 

It wasn't that it was easier. My little crisis's seemed huge to me then, but i somehow knew that it would be fine in the end. After all, my parents could fix anything. 

I think God intends for us to have this childlike mindset all of our lives. 

A childlike faith that doesn't worry about the things that could "contaminate us". 

That doesn't stress itself out over a decision on "where it's best to serve God". 

That doesn't dwell on how much better you could of done. 

I think God just wants us to love Him and go from there..

I think He just wants us to play.

Fishcolate

...Beware...

Seeing as i am a girl... I had one of those ferocious chocolate cravings the other day at work...

So i said to myself, "Self, you should find a way to be healthy while you indulge."

As i am at the register i look to my left... and what do i see?

Omega 3 Chocolate.

Good for the body and mind...

A Win-Win situation, right?

WRONG!

You see, Omega 3 is fish oil. 

So after i regurgitated the "chocolate", i looked at the ingredients

... tilapia, anchovies, sardines...

Need i say more?

Be careful out there all you health nuts.

Walking

Can i just say that Jesus speaks in such creative ways? I've just heard over the past few weeks Him speaking to me in ways that surprise me and i just feel so loved.

There are some times, i'm sure we've all tried to do it, to make something, like a church service or a piece of scripture "feel spiritual". It's like we want to feel like we are growing more mature in our faith. 

It is so dumb. 

It only happens when im at a stand still or stagnant place in my faith. When nothing really good or bad happens, i either am a little scared because i think something bad is going to happen or i try to find that place where God spoke to me in the past.  

When i do the latter, I end up getting so overwhelmed with all of the stuff im "doing for God" or i just give up and think my faith isn't good enough.

I know God is always working in my life, but it is a little unnerving when i can't see Him doing it. Do you know what i mean?

I feel like i always have to be busy, working my way to God...

God has been telling me that sometimes i can't do a dern thing about it. 

Sometimes God just wants me to trust that He is there changing me even when i don't think He is. That He still speaks and i can listen if i can just stop what i'm doing and hear it. That i don't have to run after Him when i can't see him. 

In those times i feel that instead of God leading me by walking ahead of me, or holding my hand along the way; that He is actually walking behind me, whispering in my ear, on occasion, the way to go. That He knows that i can walk on my own now and that I just need Him near enough to fall back on if i need to. 

I know that God is still taking me somewhere, and that gives me this rested feeling. 

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place."  1Cor. 2:14

May peace be with you.

Hip Hip Hurray!

Just wanted to let you guys know that we gave the "Share Yourself" T-Shirt ministry donation to the Toccoa Life crisis pregnancy center. I forgot to get a picture with the sweet old lady there. :(

We got the opportunity to give $201.90, and we still have 8 t-shirts left. I have some larges and smalls and an extra large, so if you want one, hit me up! It will give them around $100.00 more dollars if we can sell them. I know the donation we gave wasn't a lot, but i'm confident that the crafty God we serve will use it. Thank you guys for buying them! You cats look so fabulous in them!

Ugh

I have to say, I'm a little frustrated. I'm not sure who's fault it is, or if anyone is at fault at all. I read articles and books about all of the things that are wrong in the world- human trafficking, aids, orphans, unfair trade, genocide, homelessness... you finish it. There is so much that needs to be fixed. So many people that need to be loved. And so i try to help a little. I do little things here and there and i try to do big things. Im lucky if they even work out. Maybe, to some people, im not trying hard enough. I have no idea. I just get so discouraged sometimes because i feel like i can't do enough. That i can't love enough. As soon as i try something new, i fail or quit. I have an idea to buy something for someone in need, and then i find out that it was made in a sweatshop. I pay for someone's lunch, and then i remember that i forgot to tithe. I go to an expensive Christian college to learn how to do all of the things i want to do for God better, then i read about people who give up all of their money to just go to Africa and serve the needy. I try to educate myself on how to do things better, but all i get from it is what a bad job i'm doing at it. It's not like i feel obligated to do good things. I really really want to because i love God and i love people. It just seems like i do it badly. I don't have a solution yet to my ramblings. So there's my heart right now. 

Rhythm

 

I heard this from a guy today.

We start out life experiencing rhythm.

The first thing we feel is our own heart beat, and the first thing we hear is our mother's heart beat.

Our bodies function to a rhythm. 

Our music has a rhythm.

This guy said that sometime in our life, if we are Christians, we start to hear God's rhythm, His heart beat.

I sense His heart beat in church sometimes, sometimes not.

I hear His heart beat when i hear stories of people giving up everything they have for something or someone they love. 

I feel His heart beat when someone hugs me. 

I see it when i see something so beautiful it literally takes my breath away. 

I sense His heart beat when i create something. I see it in relationships- mother-daughter, father-daughter, marriage, friendships.

 

I love to feel God's heart beat. I crave it. I long for it so much that i want it for myself. I want to have His heart beat. I don't always understand why. It isn't the most logical thing. I look pretty dumb to most people i'm starting to notice. But there's something inside me i can't control anymore. I want what God wants and i don't even know what it looks like yet. I just know that i'm headed there.

I've heard this phenomena called "passion". Maybe that's what i have. It seems too lofty for me. It sounds like it requires unfailing commitment and responsibility. I don't measure up to that yet. I fail a lot. But what i have is something like that i think. It's a scary thing to be honest, but it is equally wonderful. 

Seeds

Im doing a Beth Moore study that looks at the Psalms of Ascent. I was reading something the other day that really stuck out to me. She was talking about when she went to Angola to serve the poor. As she was stood there trying to "absorb the sights and smells of living death", one of her friends said, "One of the most frustrating things is that in villages where they receive seed, they often eat the seed rather than planting it and bringing forth a harvest." 

Why do some people (me included) read the bible, listen to endless amounts of messages, and read multiple books on how to break free from this or that sin, and still remain in bondage?

We are so moved by a message or a passage in a book that we actually cry over it. 

We've memorized the scriptures about loving our enemies and forgiving people, but we walk past people who have hurt us and treat them as if they don't exist.

The biggest thing for me is that i can quote scriptures about how Jesus died on the cross for our sins and forgave me, but i still walk around feeling guilty and unworthy of love.  

I, and i trust many others, have heard that God lives in us, but we have absolutely no confidence in ourselves. We pray, but don't really think an actual change will happen. We play it safe because we don't really think God can work through us. 

Why do some people see the results of God and others don't?

 

Because we have eaten the seed instead of sowing it. 

When we hear something that we feel God is telling us, we relish the moment and thank God for using the Word, the speaker, a book, etc. but we forget to actually believe it and try it out in our own lives. We think it sounds awesome and we can see how it could change our life forever, but somehow we just don't do it. What happens is that we ate the seed instead of sowing it. 

"...The seed of God's Word can fill our stomachs and give us immediate satisfaction and still not produce a harvest.-- that's when we eat the seed instead of sowing it." 

Again, these are not my thoughts, but they were so powerful to me that i had to share them. 

This is what God is teaching me. 

I love you guys!

"You Can't Take It with You"

I got a part in  the spring play: "You Can't Take It With You"! It is a dramedy (a comedy with a moral lesson) and so far it is histerical! It's set in the 1930's and my character, Gay Wellington, is an "actress" who Mrs. Sycamore meets on a bus and invites home to read one of her plays. She is an alcoholic and gets very drunk and passes out shortly after arriving at the Sycamore's home. Basically i am a younger version of Miss Hannigan from the play/movie "Annie".

I know you guys have a short attention span so if you want to know more about it come see the play (April 18-20) or google it. :)

Here are some pictures i found: 

Cadbury Eyebrows

Share Yourself T-Shirts!

Ok so i know this probably isn't going to be very effective considering only a handful of people actually read this blog. I have to start getting an idea of how many t-shirts to order before i actually order them. They are probably going to be around 10 or 15 dollars depending on how many i can order and sell the first time around. The profits go to various ministries in Toccoa like a crisis pregnancy center and a soup kitchen. (Read more on my blog "React") It's is a really cool way to be the hands and feet of Christ so if you want one hit me up! And please tell everyone you know about them. Print out the pics, whatever you want. Comment or call me. 

Recent Nuggets

I saw this on Rach's blog who saw it on Jeremy's blog and i decided to copy them... :)

I guess these are like little nuggets of my life recently. Thoughts. Realizations. Reminders.

Let's see where to begin...

I have read my face off in the last few weeks

I have underestimated my friends lately

I've learned that people don't pay as much attention to you as i fear they do

I've also learned to knit

The highlight of my day is trying to complete workout videos with Tori and Brooke without laughing the whole time

Im incredibly excited about God's plan for my life through the counseling program and eventually social work

but...

Im still shocked that my major's building burnt down

I've learned that freedom has a way of destroying things

I've also noticed that the walls of our room are paper thin (i still love you care)

Recently i've been able to use hard things in the past to help someone now and it's beautiful how life works

College books are expensive

I need to learn to have more faith in people and probably in God while im at it

I also need to be constantly aware that when i mess with a part of a person's life i mess with their entire life

and finally

too much peanut butter makes me sick :)

Choconutters

Bread + PB + ChocoChips = another delectable revolution in sandwich making!

Enjoy!

Pink Sunsets

I've always had a thing for pink sunsets...

Last year on the way back from passion i was talking to Melissa Pope about them and she told me that they are caused by the reflection of light against pollution in the air. 

more pollution= more brilliant sunset

I took this picture the night of the fire. I just thought it was so beautiful that God could make something so breathtaking out of such a catastrophe. 

Isn't our God creative? 

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.  ~Isaiah 61:3

Gate Cottage Fire

video.php

Our Counseling building/Falls Gift Shop/Gate Cottage Restaurant burnt to the ground earlier this morning around 2:30. I have the video link (hilarious by the way... you have to check that jive out!)  above and a few pictures. Pray for TFC!

Naptime Adventures!

So i took a nap today... every time i take naps i have the craziest dreams! 

And so it begins...

My mom, David (my stepdad) and i were looking around in this old abandoned skyscraper for who knows what. I really cant remember what the big deal was but we were really paranoid. We were afraid that "they" were going to catch us looking for whatever it was that we were looking for.

All of a sudden we find this baby... but not just any baby. This baby makes really creepy facial expressions. I don't know how to explain how weird it was but it sort of looked like adult eyes in a baby's head and it made really mature expressions. I felt like i could have an intelligent conversation with this baby. Anyway we left "it" there because the "people" were catching up to us. 

Here's where it gets good... We jump on our "hoverboards" and fly to a restaurant. As we walk in i notice that i have a tracker thing that makes me see infared sort of. I can only see the body temperature of the baby's mom. (convenient) So i see her but when i turn it off i cant find her. Then everybody leaves the restaurant except my aunt and cousin and this random lady who is at a table by herself. My family and i go seat ourselves with my aunt and try to figure out how to figure out who the "baby-momma" is. But lo and behold i have this grand epiphany! I reason that the lonesome lady across the restaurant must be the baby-momma because that's just how dreams work. So my mom goes over to talk to her. ...I have know idea why... Somehow i forgot that it was a dream and... here's where it gets embarassing... i pray for my mom... I know! When i realize what i just did and that this is just a dream i wake up laughing. 

I really do hope this saga continues...