Ugh

I have to say, I'm a little frustrated. I'm not sure who's fault it is, or if anyone is at fault at all. I read articles and books about all of the things that are wrong in the world- human trafficking, aids, orphans, unfair trade, genocide, homelessness... you finish it. There is so much that needs to be fixed. So many people that need to be loved. And so i try to help a little. I do little things here and there and i try to do big things. Im lucky if they even work out. Maybe, to some people, im not trying hard enough. I have no idea. I just get so discouraged sometimes because i feel like i can't do enough. That i can't love enough. As soon as i try something new, i fail or quit. I have an idea to buy something for someone in need, and then i find out that it was made in a sweatshop. I pay for someone's lunch, and then i remember that i forgot to tithe. I go to an expensive Christian college to learn how to do all of the things i want to do for God better, then i read about people who give up all of their money to just go to Africa and serve the needy. I try to educate myself on how to do things better, but all i get from it is what a bad job i'm doing at it. It's not like i feel obligated to do good things. I really really want to because i love God and i love people. It just seems like i do it badly. I don't have a solution yet to my ramblings. So there's my heart right now. 

Rhythm

 

I heard this from a guy today.

We start out life experiencing rhythm.

The first thing we feel is our own heart beat, and the first thing we hear is our mother's heart beat.

Our bodies function to a rhythm. 

Our music has a rhythm.

This guy said that sometime in our life, if we are Christians, we start to hear God's rhythm, His heart beat.

I sense His heart beat in church sometimes, sometimes not.

I hear His heart beat when i hear stories of people giving up everything they have for something or someone they love. 

I feel His heart beat when someone hugs me. 

I see it when i see something so beautiful it literally takes my breath away. 

I sense His heart beat when i create something. I see it in relationships- mother-daughter, father-daughter, marriage, friendships.

 

I love to feel God's heart beat. I crave it. I long for it so much that i want it for myself. I want to have His heart beat. I don't always understand why. It isn't the most logical thing. I look pretty dumb to most people i'm starting to notice. But there's something inside me i can't control anymore. I want what God wants and i don't even know what it looks like yet. I just know that i'm headed there.

I've heard this phenomena called "passion". Maybe that's what i have. It seems too lofty for me. It sounds like it requires unfailing commitment and responsibility. I don't measure up to that yet. I fail a lot. But what i have is something like that i think. It's a scary thing to be honest, but it is equally wonderful.