Small

There is something that makes me anxious about the question: "What is your calling?." 

I heard it a lot growing up and i hear it even more at a Christian college. When it gets thrown my way i automatically tense up and end up blurting out something like "social work, because it's like tangible counseling." 

Im not even sure about what that is, really. 

I guess some people have a big, beautiful "mission", like adopted kids or Africa. 

I do not, at least not yet. 

Like i said, it is kind of unnerving when i don't have an answer to that question. I mean, am i really a loving Christian? Don't all good Christians have a perfectly clear vision of their future "ministry"? 

Im learning that while i do not have a war to fight. No specific cause to advocate. I can fight and love in the small things. 

The small actions. The small thoughts and prayers. The small words. The small, quick smiles. 

That is something i can do. 

I actually love doing it. I love to create small love for people in notes, coffee dates, gifts, cookies.  

Maybe God put a "small" love in me. 

Living and loving in the small things has made living a loving and lot less stressful. 

Blank

I don't have a lot to say...which kind of fits what i am about to say actually.

I have a really hard time being quiet. 

Or just doing nothing. 

I love music. I love talking to people. I love experiencing new things. I love creating things. 

That's why it's really hard for me to practice rest.

I love doing and making so much that i rarely do nothing. 

I don't think that's healthy..

It really is just a sad thing when i can't relax on the couch on a lazy saturday afternoon. 

I have to always feel like i'm accomplishing something. 

Studying harder, loving someone more, creating more pretty things..

Like this: One time last semester we went on a "prayer retreat" and had to find a place somewhere in the woods and just hang out with God for 5 hours. I was excited about it

...but when hour 2 rolled around i thought i was going to come unglued. 

It was awful.

I am realizing that i don't do well with Sabbath. 

However i've been trying this new thing where after i take a run i find a place where i can be still with God. That way ill be too tired to do anything else.. seems like a foolproof plan  :)

This whole silence thing has not been what i expected. 

It seems like everyone has these big revelations when they do this, but not me. 

In fact, it seems like God is more silent when i am silent. 

But i think that's ok. 

I think part of the reason God just wants us to rest is because it helps us get our mind off of everything- worries, to-do lists, goals. 

For me, it helps me especially get my mind off myself- how i look, act, dress. 

I think God is silent for me because He knows I give myself enough noise.

I think He wants me to be ok with stillness. 

With accomplishing nothing.

With impressing nobody. 

With being me...with Him. 

Play.

God showed me something on a walk the other day...

I used to think childlike faith, as it says in the Bible, is a lot like being gullible. 

I used to think it meant, "Don't ask questions, just believe like children believe in Santa Claus or fairy tales."

But that contradicts what i've learned about Christianity. 

We are supposed to test things. 

And if we believe blindly, can God be pleased with that?

Doesn't Jesus want us to have faith in the hard times?

On my walk i saw to adorable little girls playing on a slip and slide. 

They weren't slippin' n sliddin' but they were having fun talking and sippin' n spittin' the water out of the spout part. 

They were just enjoying the summer day...

Not worrying about the chemicals in the water they were drinking. 

Not discussing and arguing over the most expedient way to play.

Not thinking over how sad it was that the summer was almost over. 

...They just played. 

I'm beginning to think "childlike faith" has less to do with believing in God more to do with believing God. 

A lot of times i pray-- no, beg, for more faith so i can do "big things" (whatever those are)

for God and other people. 

I stress myself out!

I was actually walking that day to get "unstressed". 

I miss the days when i was a kid sometimes. 

It wasn't that it was easier. My little crisis's seemed huge to me then, but i somehow knew that it would be fine in the end. After all, my parents could fix anything. 

I think God intends for us to have this childlike mindset all of our lives. 

A childlike faith that doesn't worry about the things that could "contaminate us". 

That doesn't stress itself out over a decision on "where it's best to serve God". 

That doesn't dwell on how much better you could of done. 

I think God just wants us to love Him and go from there..

I think He just wants us to play.

Fishcolate

...Beware...

Seeing as i am a girl... I had one of those ferocious chocolate cravings the other day at work...

So i said to myself, "Self, you should find a way to be healthy while you indulge."

As i am at the register i look to my left... and what do i see?

Omega 3 Chocolate.

Good for the body and mind...

A Win-Win situation, right?

WRONG!

You see, Omega 3 is fish oil. 

So after i regurgitated the "chocolate", i looked at the ingredients

... tilapia, anchovies, sardines...

Need i say more?

Be careful out there all you health nuts.

Walking

Can i just say that Jesus speaks in such creative ways? I've just heard over the past few weeks Him speaking to me in ways that surprise me and i just feel so loved.

There are some times, i'm sure we've all tried to do it, to make something, like a church service or a piece of scripture "feel spiritual". It's like we want to feel like we are growing more mature in our faith. 

It is so dumb. 

It only happens when im at a stand still or stagnant place in my faith. When nothing really good or bad happens, i either am a little scared because i think something bad is going to happen or i try to find that place where God spoke to me in the past.  

When i do the latter, I end up getting so overwhelmed with all of the stuff im "doing for God" or i just give up and think my faith isn't good enough.

I know God is always working in my life, but it is a little unnerving when i can't see Him doing it. Do you know what i mean?

I feel like i always have to be busy, working my way to God...

God has been telling me that sometimes i can't do a dern thing about it. 

Sometimes God just wants me to trust that He is there changing me even when i don't think He is. That He still speaks and i can listen if i can just stop what i'm doing and hear it. That i don't have to run after Him when i can't see him. 

In those times i feel that instead of God leading me by walking ahead of me, or holding my hand along the way; that He is actually walking behind me, whispering in my ear, on occasion, the way to go. That He knows that i can walk on my own now and that I just need Him near enough to fall back on if i need to. 

I know that God is still taking me somewhere, and that gives me this rested feeling. 

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place."  1Cor. 2:14

May peace be with you.

Hip Hip Hurray!

Just wanted to let you guys know that we gave the "Share Yourself" T-Shirt ministry donation to the Toccoa Life crisis pregnancy center. I forgot to get a picture with the sweet old lady there. :(

We got the opportunity to give $201.90, and we still have 8 t-shirts left. I have some larges and smalls and an extra large, so if you want one, hit me up! It will give them around $100.00 more dollars if we can sell them. I know the donation we gave wasn't a lot, but i'm confident that the crafty God we serve will use it. Thank you guys for buying them! You cats look so fabulous in them!

Ugh

I have to say, I'm a little frustrated. I'm not sure who's fault it is, or if anyone is at fault at all. I read articles and books about all of the things that are wrong in the world- human trafficking, aids, orphans, unfair trade, genocide, homelessness... you finish it. There is so much that needs to be fixed. So many people that need to be loved. And so i try to help a little. I do little things here and there and i try to do big things. Im lucky if they even work out. Maybe, to some people, im not trying hard enough. I have no idea. I just get so discouraged sometimes because i feel like i can't do enough. That i can't love enough. As soon as i try something new, i fail or quit. I have an idea to buy something for someone in need, and then i find out that it was made in a sweatshop. I pay for someone's lunch, and then i remember that i forgot to tithe. I go to an expensive Christian college to learn how to do all of the things i want to do for God better, then i read about people who give up all of their money to just go to Africa and serve the needy. I try to educate myself on how to do things better, but all i get from it is what a bad job i'm doing at it. It's not like i feel obligated to do good things. I really really want to because i love God and i love people. It just seems like i do it badly. I don't have a solution yet to my ramblings. So there's my heart right now.